Neo-Catholics and Neo-Cons: An Unholy Alliance (Satire)

By Ernest Bey

Just when I discovered the meaning of life, they changed it!” - George Carlin

To: Guardian of the Holy Index of Proscribed Books at the Vatican From: Your Deep Cover, Ever Faithful Agent in Godless America

You want to know, Your Worshipfulness, how bad things are here, then consider this: The “National Enquirer,” a weekly scandal sheet, is selling out faster than President Barack Obama can break his campaign promises! All you hear about is Tiger Woods and his bimbos. Every day, there’s another expose’. This pleases TV-Talk-Show guru David Letterman and ex-Presidential candidate, John Edwards. Why? Because it pushes their sexual dalliances to a back burner. I’m writing to let you know that there is a disturbing new book out—“The Neo-Catholics: Implementing Christian Nationalism in America.” The author is Betty Clermont.

Clermont’s tome should be banned! Now, I realize you went out of business in 1966 and I’m not asking you to bring back “The Grand Inquisitor.” That would be unwise because of the long memories these Church haters have of our past methods...But, you may need to do something!

By : William Hughes


The book charges that the Church in the U.S. abandoned its Social Justice agenda and its First Amendment duty to stay out of politics, and instead adopted a “Neo-Con” ideology. Under the guise of championing “Family Values,” the book further claims that, via Right Wing intriguers at the Vatican, it has covertly supported the likes of arch-Free-Market looney, Ronald “The Deregulator” Reagan and that warmonger and congenital doofus—Dubya.

This book may cause some of the faithful here to question their allegiance to the Church and to its Right Wing politics, especially as their unemployment insurance runs out! Think—No more greenbacks in the collection plate! (Unemployment insurance! Isn’t that an idea that came from those cursed Liberals?)

The book alleges that the only “morality” the Church really gives a hoot about is that its flock should bow down to its “authoritarian” power. What a sacrilege! Anyway, Clermont makes a big deal about the fact that our devoted clergy force-feeds American Catholics that abortion is the “greatest moral evil.”

So, your might wonder, what’s the problem? Well, it gets a little complicated. The latest statistics do show other kinds of real “evils,” that are striking directly at many families in the U.S. For example, 37.2 million people here are on food stamps. The jobless rate has climbed to 10 percent. Close to 47 million don’t have any health insurance, and about 22,000 will die each year because of it. One expert is predicting an America, “without a Middle Class.” (1) Detroit, MI, has nearly a “50 percent” unemployment rate. (2) And, then there this one from UNICEF. It reported, on Nov. 21, 2009, that “24,000 children under the age 5 die every day from largely preventable causes.” I fear the Laity, O Wise One, will soon figure all of this out for themselves, especially if they buy up Clermont’s book! If so, all hell could break lose!

The book by Clermont is well-written, scholarly and heavily footnoted. So, it’s not going to be easy to justify banning it. Some are even wondering aloud, if what is happening to America with this financial meltdown and ongoing deindustrialization is all part of a nefarious New World Order plot! And, some are even saying that the Vatican’s Wire Pullers (Holy Bejesus), are involved in it! (3) I know this all sounds nutty, but blame the Internet for these wild conspiracy theories, not me. I’m just your humble agent.

Some Liberal Catholics, (there are a few of them around), are still burning up about how, in 2004, that Archbishop, “Bulldog” Raymond Burke, then out in St. Louis, MO, wanted to ban Sen. John Kerry (D-MA) from receiving Holy Communion because he was Pro-Choice. They want to know why Burke didn’t want to ban rabid warmongers, such as windbags Sean Hannity and Bill O’Reilly, from receiving this Sacrament, too? Also, isn’t the Church suppose to be against the Iraq War? (Well, at least on paper it is for sure.) These are the kinds of issues that are raised in Clermont’s book—more reasons why it should be blocked by you.

Speaking of “Bulldog” Burke, he embarrassed himself again, on March 2, 2009, when he met in Rome, with Randall Terry, the ex-leader of “Operation Rescue.” Burke now has a cushy job inside the Vatican. I’m sure, O Worthy One, that you have seen him from time to time in the Vatican’s cafeteria. According to the “National Catholic Reporter,” Terry was in the “Eternal City” to complain about some U.S. Bishops who allow politicians who “back legalized abortions” to receive Holy Communion. Returning to the U.S., Terry quickly showed the 12 minute videotaped interview at the NPC, in D.C., on March 25, 2009. On it, Burke referred to President Obama as a potential “agent of death” because of his abortion rights position. (4) Who writes Burke’s material? Rush Limbaugh? Can’t the Pope put a muzzle on this motor mouth?

Clermont shows how the Neo-Cons, like the late Leon Strauss, a patron Saint of the Movement, taught that the masses need “to be led” and “pacified” by an elite. The populace, he insisted, require “strong leaders” to tell them what’s good for them. Clermont explains how an Inner Sanctum, (a cabal of reactionaries), at the Vatican, bought into, and, implemented, Strauss’ Neocon ideas. She argues that some of this clique, I doubt if you know any of them, belonged to that shadowy “P2 Masonic” outfit. They also had ties to the now defunct “Banco Ambrosiano,” along with a “global network of anti-communists.”

As you personally know, O Learned One, the Church preaches the virtues of “obedience and humility.” Clermont points out that docility to Church leaders was easy for the Church, with its supposed “authoritarian” style, to translate into docility to seculars ones, such as the GOP’s Reagan and Dubya. She underscores that the Church has a history of supporting “repressive” Right Wing regimes around the globe. Who can deny that? Just look at recent history in Central and South America.

Incidentally, the Tiger Woods’ brouhaha isn’t all that bad. It does help to take the minds of many U.S. Catholics off the shameful pedophile priest and child abuse sexual scandal in this country, (5) and in Ireland, too. It would break your heart, O Sensitive One, to read the report on what went on in Ireland. (6)

Talking about the priest/sexual abuse of children scandal in the U.S., I was wondering how Cardinal Bernard Law, formerly of Boston, is holding up? Clermont took a nasty whack at him in her book. She said that “except for the statute of limitations on child abuse, [Cardinal] Law would have gone to prison for his complicity.” Ouch! Clermont tells her readers that the lucky Law has a sinecure in the Vatican and hauls down $5,800 per month. People will start thinking that even James “Whitey” Bulger, formerly a gangster in Boston, and now on the lam from the FBI, could learn a thing to two from Cardinal Law. This is more bad PR for the Church, if you ask me. Maybe, Law should be sacked!

Author Clermont sets aside a whole chapter in her book on the “Sex Abuse Scandal.” She carefully documents the role of many of the U.S. Bishops—Law, too,—in covering up the conduct of deranged priests, such as the infamous Father John J. Geoghan, who, when he finally went to prison was killed by another inmate. She cites the “John Jay Study” that reveals that the youngest age of the victims of the priests/predators was “three years” of age and their average age was “12.6 years.” This is all in Clermont’s book. Now, do you understand why I’m so worried?

In any event, things are getting worse! Some Neo-Catholics are now confessing that they were “conned” by what they are calling “Family Values crap” spewed out for years by their clergy. They claim the real winners in the Church’s “ploy,” (their word, not mine), were the Super-Rich and the greedy Mob on Wall Street. (7) I personally know some of these poor, lapsed Neo-Catholics souls and I pray, nightly, for them to return to the fold.

Bottom line: Clermont’s book is a shout out to the Neo-Catholics to start (triple gasp) thinking for themselves! I’m sure you’ll agree that’s the very last thing the Church in the U.S. can tolerate!

So, do your duty, O Beloved Protector Against Forbidden Writings, at the Vatican: ban Clermont’s book—today! Tomorrow, I fear, it may be too late!